The Truth Hiding in Plain Sight
We’ve been told we can have it all.
I’ve noticed something over the years. Drawing on my experience and working with other women, I’ve found that from a young age, we’re conditioned to believe that we have to do things in a certain way to be successful in life.
We’ve been told we can have it all but only if we do it all. Of course, the truth is that you can have it all but you can’t do it all and I think this illusion is starting to dissipate. It’s possible to have a family and be successful: to go through the traditional route into education, get married and have children while having a high-flying career.
But what we’re waking up to is that it’s easy to become misaligned because you’ve pushed so hard. It can lead to becoming a people pleaser, taking on too much and not asking for help. It’s part of a pattern that involves trying to prove yourself at work, that you are worthy, while comparing yourself to others – particularly if you’re in a male-dominated environment.
For example, at a conference, the men may have more freedom to stay for after-dinner drinks while you go home to your caring responsibilities – something that I’ve seen and experienced. It feels like you’re always having to make a choice and it’s exhausting.
The domino effect
Be honest. When you have to make a choice like this, are you making the right choice for you? How do you feel about it? When you say yes, are you saying yes for the right reasons, deep down? Particularly difficult when there’s a really good career development opportunity on the table.
The danger is that, over time, you become misaligned with your identity. You forget who you are. You’re juggling so many priorities, stretching yourself so thinly, you don’t feel like you’re doing anything well. That’s when you start to lose touch with your strengths.
And so you gradually forget what lights you up. Life dims over to the point where you feel tired, wondering what you’re doing and questioning your decisions. The knock-on effect is that your self-worth drops because your trust in yourself starts to wane.
When we play small
Ask, where are you keeping yourself small. Keep a journal every day of where in life you shrink: when you say yes when inside you’re shouting no. Are you not speaking your truth to keep yourself safe?
This fear you feel is real and it’s your logical brain kicking in because at some point in your life, you’ve needed this safety mechanism. Right now, it’s triggering your fight or flight response. How often does this arise? Where are you doubting yourself?
It’s possible to fear our own greatness: a phenomena known as the Johah Complex. We’re scared of our own success. How does this show up? Have you ever felt joy and pride over landing a new position only for them to be clouded by anxiety? Going around in your head are fears about what it means for you: will you be more visible? This is when imposter syndrome may kick in as you question whether you’re good enough.
Of course, the truth is that you’ve earned that promotion or new job. With the skills and experience under your belt, you’ve just been through a process and proved to other people that you’re worthy of it.
So it’s our inner stories that lead us off track and stop us from stepping into our true power and embodying who we really are. They start in the tiny tales we tell ourselves when we can’t get everything done. Clarity comes when we realise we’re not broken or inadequate: the system around us is demanding too much.